New script for task

I've changed my script with my friend Cynthia. Here is the new script:

FADE IN:

EXT.DETECTIVE EGBERT’S OFFICE – EVENING

On the ground floor of the big building in the centre of New York, an office is for the private detective Egbert.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT.DETECTIVE EGBERT’S OFFICE – DOOR – EVENING

At the end of the corridor, there is an office with a sign on the door – Detective Agency. CYNTHIA, an actress in a small company in New York, was walking straight towards this room quickly and calmly. She was wearing a dust coat and holding a wallet. Even the door of this room was open, she still knocked the door. Then she went in.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT.DETECTIVE EGBERT’S OFFICE – OFFICE – EVENING

The office was messy and there were books and files everywhere. EGBERT, the owner of this office, a famous private detective in New York, was reading a book and laying his legs on the desk. There was a bottle of whisky which was almost empty. He heard the sound of opening the door but he didn’t give a glance. Cynthia walked towards to the desk where Egbert was sitting.

THE DESK

CYNTHIA

Sir?

EGBERT

（No response）

CYNTHIA

Excuse me, sir?

EGBERT

(Still no response, and he held the glass which is full of the whisky)

CYNTHIA

(Put the bag on the desk and leaned forward)

Sir, I come for ……(a bit annoyed)

EGBERT

Just say then. (unconcernedly)

CYNTHIA

My fiancé was missing.

                                                                 2.

EGBERT

Go out and turn left,  police office is on your right.

CYNTHIA

I’m accused by his family.

EGBERT

Unfortunately.

CYNTHIA

It wasn’t me. I received some messages from him on the morning after he disappeared.

(Show the messages to EGBERT, the messages were on the phone)

<Messages>

FIANCE(LUISE)

Honey.

CYNTHIA

Luise! Where have you been?!

FIANCE(LUISE)

EXTREME CLOSE UP OF THE PHONE:

But, Lo, the hand of him delivering me up is with me on the table.

CYNTHIA

What do you mean?

FIANCE(LUISE)

Just remember this, honey, don’t come for me.

CYNTHIA

Luise?

CYNTHIA

What happened?

CYNTHIA

Luise?

CYNTHIA

Luise?

INTERCUT MESSAGES

                                                                 3.

EGBERT

(took his legs off the desk and stood up)

This becomes interesting finally.

(walked wobbly for several steps, accidentally swept the glass with whisky off the desk and then fell down)

CYNTHIA

(Stood in the same place)

Sir? You are drunk sir……

My view about the script

After I talked with Cynthia, I found that I had to change lots of part of my script. And while talking, I got more inspiration for my script than before. Cynthia gave much good advice. I think writing script is harder than I expect. Sometimes I have no idea of my script. And I find that having a discussion with somebody else is really helpful. I can find out more ideas than just writing it myself.
This script I think is better than the other that I've written before.